Silly Shorts
by Adaon
Summary: A collection of my short stories that are designed to be amusing. all fics likely to include 1 R
1. Chicken

Dialog between Heero and Zechs

--

"What is it?"

"Chicken┘ I think."

"How can you be sure?"

"┘"

"Right."

"Put the cell phone away."

"There is an emergency at preventer headquarters that requires my immediate attention."

"What emergency?"

"The one I'm going to order them to have."

"Take me with you!"

"Did you just ask me for a favor?"

"Look, Yuy I may be a proud man, but I haven't had a decent meal in 3 months since Noin decided she wanted to start cooking at home. I'm desperate, get me out of here and a pizza and I'll give you anything you want."

"If you go, Noin goes and finds out there is no emergency."

"I could tell on you."

"She would ask WHY I skipped out."

"┘"

"Then she will ask you if you like her cooking."

"┘"

"Then you will have to eat the 'chicken' if that is what this is."

"┘ I hate you beyond the ability of words to describe. At least give me an out, anything."

"Fake stomach flu?"

"Three times, this month."

"Long conference call with Mars?"

"Last night, 3 hours."

"Deliver a report to Une?"

"Monday."

"Take her out to 'someplace nice.'?"

"I would get to sleep in the car, if I'm lucky. How did you get out of it, I know Relena tried cooking for a while?"

"All the food recalls, faulty ovens, and me being sick the next morning, she decided it wasn't worth it."

"Sick the next morning?"

"Spiked my own food."

"You are an evil genius."

"Chicken."

"That too."

"Chicken."

"You already said tha-"

"Zechs, what's wrong, you haven't touched your chicken yet?"

"I, err."

Nextel chirp "Agent Wing, we have a computer emergency that requires your immediate attention."

"I'm on my way."

"┘ chicken┘" 


	2. Fly! Be Free!

"GO! BE FREE!" Realeasing a balloon from her hands the blond haired women continued "AND DON'T COME BACK!"

"Relena?" Asked the darked haired man, with only a SLIGHTLY puzzled look on his face that only she could cause. "What are you doing?"

She spun around quickly, "Oh! Heero, I didn't see you come in."

"Your back was turned."

"Well, that explains it, but I still didn't hear you come in. Why are you sneaking up on me anyways?"

"I didn't sneak up on you, you were distracted throwing a balloon out the window, and you didn't answer my question."

"Well Mr wise-guy, didn't you just answer it for yourself?"

"If you want to be nit picky about this then, Relena, why did you let a balloon out of the window?"

"Oh, well I was trying this relaxation technique, you write down everything bad that happened in the past year, tie it to a balloon at let your troubles fly away."

"What happens if the balloon gets caught in a tree?"

"Why would you ask if... oh phooey, that CAN'T be good. I can't even launch a balloon right, this isn't going to be a good year."

"I think it will be."

"Oh yeah? give me one good reason to believe that."

Heero walked up and encircled her waste with his arms, moving his head in closer he kissed her on the cheek then moved his mouth closer to her ears to whisper "because I was coming over here to tell you that the 'wings' got here and we can try them out tonight."

It takes a brave person to first of all grab Heero, and secondly attempt to drag him along to where you want to go.

Relena Yuy is a very brave person. 


	3. Duck Hunt

Quatre insisted all of the pilots stay the night at his new mansion as a "house warming party. The blond had decided having his own place in Sanq was easier then staying in a hotel every time he came to earth. It was 22 hundred hours (or 10 pm for civilians) When Trowa entered 'the room.' There was no real way to describe the room, it just was.

The room was designed to handle the recreational activities of all the pilots. There was a padded section that was big enough for the intensity of Wufei's martial arts training. There was a small gym that met the needs of Trowa's basic workout routine, and the more intense weightlifting of Heero. Quatre enjoyed the adjacent pool, and for Duo┘ there was a very big TV. But big didn't describe this TV. Quatre had gone all out; the screen was a large wall, an 8 by 10 wall. The characters were LIFE sized (bigger when there were close-ups). But it didn't end there; apparently Quatre got a few old video games that could be played on the system. Duo was determined to beat every game.

Mostly Trowa just scoffed to himself and went over to the weights, but something caught his attention┘ it sounded like, a gun! Trowa quickly pulled his and tried to point it at the source of the noise, but couldn't pinpoint it.

"Easy Trowa, that wasn't a real gun it was just the game."

Trowa blinked, processed what was said, then blinked again. Finally he reluctantly lowered the gun he held pointed at Duo's head. "You have a video game that involves shooting people? I'm surprised Quatre would allow a game like that."

"Ducks. ┘ No Trowa, not 'duck' 'duckS'." Trowa stood back up with an annoyed look on his face. "The game is called 'duck hunt' and you shoot as many ducks as you can."

"Someone made a video game for that?"

"Well it's old, but still it's a lot of fun. You should try it."

"I don't think so Duo, I have better things to do with my time then point a fake gun at a badly drawn picture of a duck."

"Twenty bucks says you can't kill more ducks then me. Unless┘ you think you can't beat me in a simple shooting contest."

"That isn't a shooting contest it's a child's game."

"Well, if you can't even handle a simple little child's game."

"Forget it Duo, I'm not getting drawn in to this by you taunting me."

Before Duo could attempt another taunt Trowa again Heero (who had snuck in on them, something neither would EVER admit to) spoke to Wufei "Ten bucks on Duo."

"Ha, I'll even lay you 2-1 on that weak bet."

"Give me the stupid fake gun."

Two hours later, Duo let a tirade out when he missed the tying shot. Heero quietly paid off Wufei and left. Wufei mocked Duo's weakness then left. Duo looked defiantly at Trowa (who was NOT, I repeat NOT smirking).

"Double or nothing, you can't go perfect in the next round."

It was tempting, but then again, so was sleep┘ But given Duo's borderline obsession with gambling, this could end up┘ "Deal."

An hour later, Duo was stuck for over 600. "Double or nothing, you can't go perfect for another hour. And shoot the dog each round."

"Deal."

50 minutes later, Duo was contemplating how Hildie would kill him. However, being sleep deprived, he nodded off and when at 59:30 the power went out right before Trowa could pull the trigger on that stupid dog one last time.

Trowa was not the type to yell "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" or else he would have, but he didn't. He just stood there, shocked.

Six hours later, Heero walked in before sunrise for his normal morning workout, surprised to see Trowa was up before him. Then he noticed Trowa was just standing looking at the wall/TV and seemed unresponsive. Heero waved his hand in front of Trowa's face, there was no response. He could try doing something about it, or go get coffee.

Yeah, like that one was even close.

2 hours later Wufei walked in and saw the same sight, he was tempted to kick Barton just to see if the man would react, instead he decided to just get a cup of water and throw it in his face. Trowa blinked then focused his attention on Wufei, who seemed utterly unconcerned.

"Why did you do that?"

"You looked spaced out, don't tell me you played that stupid game all night."

"All night┘ What time is it?"

"8 am."

"┘ I stood here, for 10 hours┘?"

"That's pathetically weak Barton, you better at least have made some decent money off of Maxwell."

"┘ power went out┘ one shot left to make, and the power went out."

It would have been utterly rude of Wufei to laugh in Trowa's face.

Yeah, like that was going to stop him.

The noise called the attention of Quatre who had been attempting to make conversation with Heero, who was still only interested in his coffee and didn't move. It also woke up Duo who looked back and forth between Trowa and Wufei with a confused look on his face.

It was then Qautre asked the question on Duo's mind "What is going on?"

"Barton lost a bet with Maxwell because the power went out when he had one shot left."

"Wait┘ I, won?" Trowa couldn't bring himself to say it, he just nodded. All those hours┘ wasted.

The ensuing happy dance was recorded by a secret camera Heero had placed in the room, and used to blackmail Duo for years to come. Not one to let Duo get too full of himself, and eager to stop the eyesore Wufei spoke up.

"And just how many levels did he beat you Maxwell?"

"That is completely beside the point."

Quatre blinked a few times, then decided he really didn't want to know what all was going on. "Trowa, maybe you need to put down the gun and go get some sleep." Trowa just nodded, dropped the zapper out of his hand and slowly walked away while keeping his eyes on the wall.

Duo looked over at the game system, and suddenly a thought, just to clarify a very EVIL! thought, came to him.

"So Quatre┘ have you ever played Tetris?" 


	4. Do it yourself

Do it yourself, that phrase has to make the top 5 evil phrases. Along with self-service, government help, and the most evil of all: some assembly required.

As everything looked dangerously close to falling apart or blowing up, Qautre was wondering why he had to ask Duo for help. For that matter, when DID he ask Duo for help? All he remembered was saying he was going to build a tree house for the kids and next thing he knew Duo showed up with a(n oversized) hammer.

Fifteen trips (and counting) to Home Depot later, This project looked to be almost done; Except for the minor detail that it didn't look at all to be secure. "I don't know about this Duo.."

"Oh relax, what could possibly-" creak "-go-" creeeak -"wrong " Words couldn't describe the crash that happened as the would-be tree house made impact and shattered on the ground.

That settled it, no more Do-it-yourself projects, he was a billionaire, he could pay people to do it yourself for him! 


	5. Break Room Coffee

Duo yawned, a very loud, over exaggerated, perfect expression of his tiredness yawn. He mentally decided that whoever invented 6am must have done it as part of an evil plot to destroy the world. Whoever decided he needed to get up at 6am really hated him.

Barely making his way through the headquarters of the preventers, Duo stumbled in to the private kitchen and break room for executive agents. Apparently he wasn't the only one needing a caffeine intake to survive this morning. He found Wufei and Trowa quietly sitting at a table sipping on their warm beverages. Duo's eyes brightened for two reasons 1)he wouldn't have to make the coffee, 2)he wouldn't have to wait for it. This day was looking better already.

He went for the pot, taking a mug out of the overhead cabinet, and decided to fill the near silent room with some small talk. "Is the coffee safe?"

"No" much to Duo's surprise was the immediate response. He looked over at Trowa who had spoken, only to find the man continuing to sip on his own mug full of what Duo presumed to be the same mixture.

"What did you say?" Asked Duo.

As if they were taking turns between their own coffee and responding to Duo, Wufei spoke. "You asked if the coffee was safe, and he answered 'no' is your hearing impaired Maxwell?"

Duo shook his head, this was confusing. "Let me see if I have this straight, this " pointing to the black liquid " is coffee, right?" They both nodded once to confirm. "I presume it's the same as what you are currently drinking." They both nodded again. "Then why would it not be safe?"

"It's Yuy's coffee." Trowa answered very matter-of-factly, as if that was the answer to everything.

"So what, you think he won't do anything if you take some but me he will hurt?" Duo jokingly asked while pouring his own cup.

"I doubt he would care much if you took a cup so long as at least one more was left for him." Wufei's turn to reply and not make sense. Duo was starting to wonder about his friend's sanity as he poured sugar in and mixed his coffee.

"I really don't get you two, if Heero doesn't mind then what's it matter to you?" Duo asked, blowing lightly on the top of his cup to cool it some before taking his first sip.

"It doesn't matter to me personally; I was just answering your question honestly." Trowa said while standing up to stretch some of his still stiff muscles. "Just don't say I didn't warn you."

Duo looked at his friends like they were nuts, but figured he was just missing something due to a lack of caffeine. He happily took a sip of his coffee; only to gag on the absolute assault on his mouth. He was coughing like crazy and ran for the sink. Sticking his head under the tap he turned it on full blast making any vain effort he could to wash the toxic waste out of his mouth.

His ever sympathetic friends that had of course seen everything were finding great amusement at his plight. Trowa was chuckling lightly, Wufei was laughing so hard he was holding his side. Duo concluded he needed more sympathetic friends. After several minutes of a constant stream of water, Duo concluded his tongue was official dead. He stood up, hoping he one day would be able to taste again but doubting it. "WHAT was THAT!"

Wufei managed to cease laughing at him just long enough to say: "We did try to warn you Maxwell, it's your own fault for choosing not to listen. Yuy likes a rather specific blend of coffee, which we have theorized includes some type of acid meant to deter others from drinking it."

Duo was still panting heavily trying to recover from this traumatizing experience that was so bad he was wondering if he would ever be able to drink coffee again. He shuddered at the thought, life without coffee would be worse then having bamboo stuck under his fingernails. "Just what kind of stick, crazy, messed up, oh hi Heero."

It was then that Heero entered, barley paying any notice to the people in the room as he went straight to refill his coffee. He said nothing as he poured it then returned the pot back to it's normal position. He bypassed the cream and sugar, of course taking his black, what else would Heero Yuy do? He sat down in one of the empty chairs and took a quick gulp, not making any efforts to cool it. His face suddenly seemed less tense, becoming more relaxed and at ease.

Duo was convinced all of his friends were crazy. 


	6. Duo A friend in Need

"Trowa, I need a quick answer." Duo was in a good mood, Trowa was sure to help him!

"Eleven." Except that Trowa was busy, never mind that it looked like he was laying in the sun working on his tan, because he was definitely busy.

"What?" Duo was puzzled as to what his friend could possibly mean by that.

"Duo, whatever this involves I don't want to go there, you asked for an answer and I provided it now leave me alone." Duo was confused; he just wanted a simple answer.

"Fine, be that way, I'll go ask a real friend for help." Trowa blinked is he heading towards Wufei's room?

"Honorable and just friend Wufei- " Wufei didn't even let him finish.

"No. Whatever it is, my answer is no." Wufei had concluded no good ever followed Duo trying to soften him up for something.

"But you-" Duo was starting to wonder if whatever was wrong with Trowa was contagious.

"No and that's final." Whatever crazy plan Duo had this time, Wufei was determined not to be a part of it.

"Fine, but that's not very just of you Wufei. I'll go ask someone with far more bravery and courage then you for help!" Is he heading towards Quatre's office?

"Come on Qautre, be a pal!" Of all people he had expected at least Quatre to help him out!

"Leave me alone Duo, I have too much to do. I have 5 major stock deals to wrap up by the end of business today I don't even have much time in my schedule for breathing. Just please let me have some peace Duo."

Duo made some strange sound before turning to stomp out the door. "Some friend you are, I'll go ask someone with real empathy for help!" Quatre ideally wondered why he heading to the living room where Heero was working on his laptop.

"Heero-" Without looking up from his laptop, Heero cut him off and said:

"Calzone." That was it, no explanation, he just continued typing away without missing a beat.

Duo stopped, and blinked. He pondered what had been said and then his face lit up with excitement. "That's perfect! Thanks Heero, you are the best!"

As Duo skipped out of the room, Trowa finally decided it was safe to enter. "What was that? How could you possibly get him to leave with just one word?" He asked Heero, very curious to learn from whatever wisdom the other pilot had.

"It's 12pm L2 time, what would Duo be thinking about except what to have for lunch?" 


	7. Eyewitness

"So the first guy, he went down right over there. He cracked his head against that display case so hard I think he will need stitches. The second guy went head first in to the wall over there, man that thud was so loud it hurt just to hear it. Then you guys got the wheel man on your own." Duo watched as the paramedics picked up the first would be robber and the police had the second one handcuffed who was being checked for a concussion.

The rookie police office blinked, part of her wondering if the squad was pulling a prank on her or something. "Is there, anything else Mr. Maxwell?"

He paused in thought then answered with a smile. "Nope, that covers everything. Anything else I can do to help?"

"No, that will be enough Mr Maxwell, thank you for your cooperation."

"No, thank you, no one ever calls me 'Mr.' anything!" Duo's grin was about a mile long at this point, enjoying the brief moments of respect he received.

"Duo, if your done get over here already." Near the exit another man called over while looking very impatient.

"See what I mean? Bye bye, have a nice day." Duo called out over his shoulder while moving to another part of the store.

Officer Smith sighed. She had gotten the same story from the other man. This is why they warned her things were never easy with an eyewitness. They come up with the strangest things. Who was going to believe that two attempted jewel thieves suddenly decided to knock themselves out?

She watched the two exiting the store after getting clearance from another officer. The first one she had spoken to, a Mr Yuy, was holding a store bag. They had come her for the sake of purchasing some necklace for his wife's birthday. When she had asked if the jewel thieves had tried to take it he replied they had never touched it. So he was allowed to keep it as it was not evidence.

Outside Duo was stretching his arms, enjoying the feel of the warm sunshine after being in the cold store for the past hour. "That police lady was nice but she was strange. I mean why would it be so hard to believe you took out a couple of wannabe thieves? She didn't even ask me a single question about how you managed to do it!"

"I really don't care Duo, if they don't want to know I'm just going home instead of answering a bunch of stupid questions. They got their thieves red handed and I guess that's enough for them." Heero opened his car door and climbed inside. If he never had to hear another word about this day he would be happier for it.

"I see your point, it just seems like if you have an eyewitness to something you ought to at least ask them about their background. By the way that was a really nice move with the manikin head back there, I never would have thought to use it like that." Heero sighed, this was a very long day. 


	8. Do it for Them

"Heero, I think that-"

"No." He cut her off instantly, there was no cruelness in his voice, just a decisive and resounding statement of fact."

"You don't even know what I was going to ask!"

"I know you've been talking to Duo. Allow me to preemptively refuse any activities that involve cameras, ducks, or pudding."

"You forgot cool whip."

"No, I didn't. That would preclude strawberry shortcake, and I NEVER preclude strawberry shortcake."

"... ok that's a fair point. But Heero-!"

"No, whatever it is there is no good reason to do it."

"Ah ha! But you are wrong, there IS a good reason!"

"I know I'm going to regret this, but what might that be?"

"For the lulz Heero, for the lulz!"

Let the record reflect there was no DOCUMENTED evidence that Heero cracked a smile when Une showed up to work with purple hair...


	9. A Good Start

"Heero, this has been a pretty good day fo far hasn't it?"

"hm."

"I mean, no one has tried to kidnap me, no one has blown anything up. No politicians are arguing so far, and no one cut us off in traffic."

"You do realize we have to get out of bed this morning right?"

"You are right... So far so good, but better once I've had coffee." 


End file.
